Family Train Trip (I think I can I think I can I think I can...)

Train rides are FUN!

Last weekend, my little family found itself in a bit of a pickle.  How to get from Chicago to the Twin Cities and back as quickly as possible for M's grandpa's funeral.

What is normally an eight hour drive would undoubtedly last MUCH longer with the inclusion of one pregnant lady and two potty training toddlers, and taking an airplane would have been SOOOOOOOOO expensive!  Add to that our travel curse, and you get one family that is very reluctant to jump in the car and drive for a whole day without much warning.  Whilst complaining about this lack of options to Poppa, he threw out a suggestion that simply had not occurred to me.

My vision for our entire trip.

"Why don't you take the train?"

...I thought it over.

I used to take the train a LOT.  There is a train that goes pretty much straight from Chicago to my old hometown of Ann Arbor, Michigan, and each time I returned from college for some event or other, that was my method.  I learned that the train can be very... unreliable.  Either it goes perfectly, or it does NOT.  I had days that I would pull into the station before my parents had even left their house to collect me, but then there were other days...  Like when my grandfather was dying, and 20 minutes outside of Ann Arbor we hit a person.  Yes, a person.  Our train was immediately labeled "crime scene," and nobody was allowed off.  For six hours.  It was unbearable.

Sadly, M's only experience with the train had been with me, taking it to Passover with my family in upstate New York.  That is *supposed* to be about 13 hours on the train.  Sadly, it took us more like 19 or 20.  Our return trip from that event wasn't a whole lot better.

Never underestimate the soporific power of "Milo and Otis"

He was skeptical, naturally, about taking such an unreliable mode of transportation to such an important event.  That was when Poppa's quick and able research paid off- for a little more than the cost for one person to fly the round trip, our whole family could get a private four bunk room on the train- including meals- both ways.

We were sold.

We threw together our suitcases, and in a mad rush we boarded a train.

There are some complications when a family with two toddlers attempts to travel without a car.  First of all, car seats.  While they aren't a requirement ON the train, in order to GET to the train, or to get around once disembarking the train, you sort of need them with you.

That, and the train ride was supposed to last about eight and a half hours.  About the same as driving.  Only without the children strapped to their seats.  We grabbed an entire suitcase worth of distractions.  We also naively brought both of our backpacks in order to do homework (HA!), two diaper bags that turn into booster seats, a suitcase full of grown-up clothes, a suitcase full of toddler clothes, a bag of food and drink for the train (Who knew what options would be available for my CRAZY limited gall-bladder diet?  And would the children cooperate and eat it?), our winter coats, and some bedding- in case it was possible to actually put our children to sleep on the train.

It's easier to forgive somebody when you have champagne.

So picture, if you will, my husband lugging three suitcases, a gigantic red canvas bag, two diaper bags, a backpack, and two car seats as I trudge along behind, with a second backpack and two toddlers in tow (each wearing their own backpacks) the mere half a block from our car to Union Station.

I think, in that moment, M may have actually considered divorcing me for having dared to suggest a train ride in the first place.

His bad mood naturally lasted until we had checked two suitcases and the car seats, and was almost completely soothed by a peaceful wait in the special sleeping car waiting area while our girls colored with crayons and I collected him chocolate pastries.

They carried those train schedules with them all day!

The train was, in a word, amazing.  Really.  When things go well on the train, they go really well.  Our trip began, unexpectedly, with complementary champagne.  It was kind of fun the way that every single nook and cranny of the tiny compartment were usable.  It wasn't easy to get us settled into the space, but once we were in?  It was great.  And dinner was surprisingly really good- and totally edible in my current dietary state.  There was also virtually unlimited coffee for M and juice for me and the girls.  That was nice.

The girls loved the train- they kept exclaiming in joy that it was MOVING!  They loved watching the scenery go by out the window.  They even slept for a few hours!  When not sleeping, we read books, watched cartoons on the laptop, and M performed his Yo Gabba Gabba Dancey Dance act (he called it "The Chicken") with the girls' Christmas presents.  Something that certainly can't be accomplished on car trips!



We even took a break in the lounge car, to try to watch "Finding Nemo" where we could plug the laptop in to recharge.  Oddly, none of the outlets in the lounge car worked, but it turned out the outlet labeled "Razors Only!" in our compartment did the trick just fine.  While we were there, another family sent their daughter over to watch with our kids.  It was a little odd- the parents never so much as said "Hello," to us, but they sent their kid to our table and just went about their business.  I think I would have at least... you know... acknowledged the lone mom sitting with two toddlers and a laptop and obviously pregnant before adding another kid into the mix (M was off getting beverages- it took him probably half an hour).  But, as they were probably utterly exhausted as well AND had an infant in tow, I figured I'd just ignore them right back and make small talk with the little girl.

DD, Grandpa, and SI

That little girl?  SI decided she was her new BEST FRIEND.  She inched up to her, practically wrapped her arms around the bigger girl's shoulders (it looked like a, "How YOU doin'?" moment for sure!), and proceeded to show her the train schedule over and over again, pointing at the picture on the front and exclaiming, "We on this train RIGHT NOW!"  It was pretty darn cute.  Although the little girl DEFINITELY didn't appreciate having her name abbreviated to "Ape."

We arrived only forty five minutes late, and Grandpa was there to collect us.  An added perk- it is SO much easier to get to the train station (almost anywhere) than to the airport.  So it was a very quick trip- with car seats!- from the station to Grandma and Grandpa's house.

When I say M's family is huge, I'm not kidding.

We had a chaotic day in the Twin Cities, filled with family and love and much happiness, despite the sad occasion.  It would have made DeLloyd very happy to see all his family together, laughing, eating, and talking over every subject under the sun.

At the crack of dawn, we awoke, and began rushing through breakfast in order to have a repeat of our very peaceful ride from Chicago to St. Paul.  Unfortunately, our train home was a slightly different story than the original.

Before arriving in St. Paul to pick us up, our train got trapped behind a disabled freight train.  So despite our mad rush to get out of the house in order to catch our 7:50am train, we didn't actually board the thing until after 11am.

Playing with Grandma in the *fancy* waiting room

I have to say, waiting around OUTSIDE the train while it goes through a miserable delay is MUCH better than being actually ON the train during the delay.  No comparison.

Our return was in many ways much worse, and in some MUCH better.  On the worse side, the compartment was MUCH OLDER!  Almost everything was *slightly* broken, from the tray table we set the laptop on for movies, to the closet holding our coats, to the bed the girls could sleep/sit on while looking out the window.  We found solutions for just about everything, but it really drove home how important little things are on a trip like that.  Our car attendant on our return trip obviously didn't give a crap about what kind of job he was doing- he tried to get out of bringing us our meal!  I actually had to have a fight with the dining car manager in order to get our food- and a good thing I did!  He was forcing our attendant to bring us our meal, but he had refused to take our order!  He was going to bring me, a vegetarian Jew, a bacon cheeeseburger, and he was going to bring my vegetarian toddlers chicken fingers.  I was pretty freakin' livid.

M's sleeping feet, the sleeping girls, and the
place in which I was to shortly pass out.

He also tried to kick us out of our compartment an hour outside of Chicago so he wouldn't have to stay on after we disembarked to clean it up.  (Yes, he told us that.)  M was much more polite than I was ready to be. He just lied and told him we didn't use any of the bedding, and he could forget about having to change things.

As far as things that were better, the scenery was GORGEOUS, and as it was daytime we could actually enjoy it.  The girls just lay down and slept for almost the entire first half of the journey.  M and I ALSO got to sleep for a few hours!  It was WONDERFUL.  The food was, quite possibly, better- as it turned out my veggie burger and the girls' grilled cheese were just fine, and M thoroughly enjoyed that bacon cheeseburger I wouldn't have had any interest in.  Lastly, it seems that older train cars have more spacious bathrooms.  Believe me, when one of you is pregnant, one of you is a giant, and the other two require assistance... that matters.

Best of all?  The train conductor was trying to make up for lost time from before they picked us up, so we actually spent about an hour less on the train that we otherwise would have.

Me and my girls on the train

Or... maybe.. the REAL best thing was the Red Cap guy back at Union Station who piled us into a cargo carrier, drove us almost all the way to the parking garage, and then waited with me and the girls while M got the car, installed the car seats, and then came to pick us up.

Things will change, of course, once Baby X is in the picture.  But for the time being, I am totally converted.  The train is the only way I want to travel to the Twin Cities and back again.

Even if it means M lugging our entire lives for half a block.

Thank Heavens for Little Girls

Since rediscovering Gigi as a teenager, I've found this song somewhat... disturbing.

It is much more so in the movie- the lead up to the song is Maurice Chevalier ogling mature women, younger women, barely pubescent girls, and then a small child.  At which point he breaks into this song.

The meaning is pretty clear.  Little girls are awesome, because they turn into sex objects.

But where the line is between "little girls get bigger every day" and "I'd like to hit that" gets blurred more and more and more.  I write this now, not just because I recently read and very much enjoyed a post about the ridiculous over sexualization of small children by their own parents, but because an old friend of mine posted a video of a group of seven year olds in a dance competition to facebook.

I know, I'm hormonal and pregnant-crazy right now, but this video GENUINELY upset me.

Take a peek.



God, I wish it wouldn't immediately suggest equally disturbing child dance routines.

Let's skip right past the part where we talk about how impressive it is that all of these girls are such good dancers.  Because yes, they perform very well.  Let's skip past the part where lip-synching to the inappropriate lyrics is the problem we want to talk about.  ("Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you OWN?"  Sorry, I said we'd skip that bit...)

Let's just talk about what we're telling these girls about the value of female sexuality.  Because that's a puzzler, right there.

On the one hand, this is a song that, don't ask me why, is frequently touted as an anthem of modern feminism. This song is, in fact, about using your sexuality to get back at a man who didn't marry you in order to validate you sexuality.  And to a parent that didn't actually bother to actually listen to the song, you might assume that this girl-power kind of mega-hit might be a good thing for your seven year olds to dance to.

But who the hell approved those moves?

And who on EARTH justified those costumes?  Because what they're wearing is basically the same thing that this model is showing off for Frederick's of Hollywood.  I found this image by going to the Frederick's website, clicking the category "Ultra Sexy," and then downloading one of the first images that popped up.  All it's missing are the fishnet stockings.

I suppose I should just be grateful those girls weren't also in garter belts.

It's one thing to have little girls dressed up in lingerie.  I get little girls- for seven year old girls, dress up clothess are pretty much dress up clothes. But that isn't what was happening here.  This was something different.

This was putting seven year old children into lingerie, having them bump and grind to lyrics about adult men humping them on the dance floor, and then having them perform those actions in front of a screaming crowd.

That is giving little girls a complete message, intentional or not.  And that message is, "You are a sex object."

Not, "When you grow up you will be a sex object."

Not, "Your worth will be tied up in your success as a sex object... when you're a grown up."

Maybe I'm old fashioned.  Maybe I'm hyper-protective as a mother of small girls.  Maybe those children won't hit high school, determined to be the most risque dancer at the Prom, or obsessed with how many boys want to see them with their clothes off.

So, as I asked before, what are these children learning about the VALUE of their sexuality?  Because let's be frank, female sexuality is valuable.

Female sexuality is the basis for conflicts world over.  Female sexuality is a constant concern for both women and men here, in the developed world, where women enjoy nearly equal rights with men.

It is something that can be used against women by men, and by other women.  It is something that our culture tries very hard to get women to use against each other.

"All the Single Ladies" has always bothered me because it insinuates that the only use for female sexuality is to attract a husband.  And I have a huge problem with that.  It's the flip side of the problem I have with abstinence only education- it ignores an entire world of sexual experience and empowerment.

What this dance routine teaches the girls about the value of their sexuality is that it only has value if it is displayed, and that it already exists.  That, despite being seven years old, those girls are sexual beings.  And that their sexuality is something to be constantly shown off- proven.

These children are learning that they hold power over adults, adults who scream and swoon and clap and cheer for them, because they are all sexual beings.

And as horrifying as it is, they DO hold that power over adults, because those adults might actually consider the seven year old girls in lingerie to BE sexual beings.

And no seven year old girl, despite how cute she might find Justin Bieber, should hold that kind of sway over somebody who has achieved conscious sexuality.  Those are the lessons that validate every Humbert Humbert, every adult who believes that children lead sexual lives and are capable of consenting to sexual acts.

So in some sick way, this dance routine may have empowered those girls to protect themselves from the pedophiles of the world.  To disarm the Humberts and reject them as adults, conscious of the sexual nature of their interactions.

But that's about power, not value.  And when somebody uses their sexuality as a weapon, they aren't acting as though they value it.

And how can you value your sexuality as an adult, when from the age of seven you used it for petty gain, and without regard to your own real needs and wants.  What happens when they attempt to maintain an emotional relationship that involves sex, and cannot separate sex as an expression of love and sex as an expression of power?

CAN they ever learn to see sex as an expression of love?  Are they then doomed to use their sexuality as Beyonce encourages, just to make men jealous of each other so that one will eventually "put a ring on it" and then "own" her?

The two moves in the dance routine that bother me the most come at the beginning and at the end.  At the beginning, the girls strut with their hands to their chest, as though pushing forward their completely non-existent breasts.  It is an acknowledgement that they just are not physically mature enough to properly represent all of the sexuality of their routine.

At the end of the routine, the girls shake their hips in a humping motion at the very front edge of the stage, with looks of defiance and anger on their faces.

They seem to be actually taunting the imaginary subject of the song- "THIS is what I'm going to give to somebody else, just to get back at you."

What bothers me the most about that moment is how they must have been coached.  What their coach MUST have had to say to them to get the results they wanted.  How at least one of those girls had to have asked why they needed to make angry faces.  What message that tells them about sex.

What it tells me is that you USE sex to punish people.  And that is just plain unhealthy for anyone.  No matter how old or young.

But this is their induction into the world of sex.  This is their framework.  When they do start becoming sexual beings, as adolescents or adults, the world of sex will be to them one of a constant battle for power.  Of vindictiveness and ulterior motives and above all, a need for attention.

I don't believe in lying to my children.  I won't be telling them that sex is something that only mommies and daddies do, or that it's a magical thing that happens when two people love each other.  I plan on telling them the truth, that people does it because it feels good, but that it means MORE than that.  And that you should never treat your sexuality as a weapon, or as a burden.  That your sexuality is simply a part of who you are, and you don't need to show it off to know it's there... but that you can do what YOU WANT to do with it, that nobody else can or should dictate what you do with it.  Even if they're just implying, or pressuring you to do something with it.  It's yours, it's your private property.  And if it is your wish to display it, you must do so respectfully and consentually.  That when you use your sexuality as a weapon, it IS an act of aggression against another human being.  That there's a difference between games and an attack.  And that whenever you use something beautiful to hurt another person, you damage that thing irreparably.

That's a lesson for boys and girls alike.  Regardless of sexual orientation.

But the girls in the above dance routine may never understand that.  They may never understand that they have power over their OWN bodies, instead of their bodies simply holding power over others.

I am sad for those girls.  I am furious at those girls' parents.

I'm sad for women everywhere, who nobody ever taught to honor and respect and treasure what their bodies can do for THEM, to own their sexuality and take pride in it, and VALUE it.

And, for the love of God, not to impose it in this way on children far too young to understand.