Failing Wonder Woman

We're big superhero fans in this house.

I had dreaded that moment. I knew from the first time I heard the words, "It's a girl!" that the moment would come, and I prayed that somehow, magically, it wouldn't. That somehow my children would be impervious.

Yet there we were.

Looking up pictures online for Halloween costume inspiration.

An aside- I LOVE making costumes. And I LOVE making costumes based on existing characters. Here's my favorite costume I've ever done for M:

Naturally, I gravitated towards showing them my favorite kid-friendly comic book characters for their inspiration. They were delighted, exclaiming over every picture of adults in cosplay gear.

"Look! There's Batman!"
"Is there a picture of Superman hugging Supergirl?" Lo and behold, there was.
"What other Super Heroes can you show us?"

I pulled up a picture of a group of cosplayers dressed up as the Justice League.

"See girls? There's Batman, and Robin, and the Green Lantern, and Wonder Woman!"

SI shook her head. "No, that's not Wonder Woman. That's her sister."

I stared at the screen.

"Why do you say that?"
"That lady is too plump to be Wonder Woman.

Before I go on- I just want you to see the picture. The EXACT picture.

That woman? She looks amazing. And accurate. I stared at her and my heart fell.

"She's not too plump to be Wonder Woman. She looks fabulous! She looks great! She's a Super Hero!"
"But, Wonder Woman is... not so plump."

I stared at the picture again, and I bit my tongue.

I wanted to ask her if she thought the Green Lantern was too plump. Or Batman. But I didn't. I didn't want to drag my four year old into a conversation that involved criticizing people's bodies.

I wanted to tell her that drawings of people, like their beloved Disney Princesses or superheroes, aren't realistic. That people don't look like drawings, they look like people. But I didn't say that either. Instead I turned off my browser and announced it was bedtime.

While they brushed their teeth, I stared at the images of Wonder Woman that I myself had presented to them.

And I was ashamed again.

I keep Barbies out of my house for a reason. I don't want my children to believe that this is how people are supposed to be shaped. I don't want my daughters to believe that, because their thighs touch or their breasts swell or their waists exceed eighteen inches, that they are somehow flawed, broken, wrong.

I want them to look at their bodies with joy, acknowledge their humanity, and relish in the ability they have to use their bodies. In health. Not in shame.

But in my desperation to find female characters to share with them, characters of strength and courage, I have brought this into their lives. This expectation that to dress up like Wonder Woman, they have to match an invariably male illustrator's masturbatory ideals.

And it's not fair.

It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to me.

My twin daughters are four years old. "Fat" is a word that simply does not exist in their vocabulary. We say "plump" sometimes, and we occasionally refer to the baby's cheeks or bottom as "chubby," but we NEVER say "fat" in this house.

And I'm glad for that.

But I would like them to have some real women- not girls- to look at. Because while children associate themselves with other children, they look up to adults. They see adulthood as an end result- as a goal. They see the adults in their lives, real and fictional both, as benchmarks for success in life.

And as I wrack my brain to think of the female role models I've provided for them in books, and television, I am ashamed of myself for what I see.

Mary Poppins, heavily corseted.
Shelly Duvall, waif-like in her Faerie Tales.
Cartoon after cartoon of women with waspish waists and willowy limbs.
Batgirl, Wonder Woman, Super Girl...

And I ask myself- where is the diversity? Where are the short women, the broad shouldered women, the "plump" women? Where are there characters who represent beauty AND strength, and aren't meticulously cast as physically insubstantial?

And what messages are they getting, and where, that only forces them to see those inconsistencies with female characters? Because the male drawings of superheroes are JUST as absurd, JUST as unrealistic.

But they don't notice that.

All they notice is that Wonder Woman's sister is a little plump.

And already I have no vocabulary to explain to them that this is wrong. That their bodies, that every body, is capable of joy and activity, and equally worthy of whatever costume they choose.

And for the first time, I feel self conscious when they look at me. Afraid that when my children see my body, pouchy from the task of creating them, my children, they will dismiss it. They will deem me "too plump" as well.

And I am terrified that the voice in the back of my head that constantly says the same, that nagging voice we all have that wastes no time to point out our every imperfection, will shame me to silence.

And if I can't stand up for my own body, against the perceptions of my own children, they will only learn what they see.

Shame. Fear. Loathing.

I did this to them. Not just by bringing these images into our home, but by failing to point out from the first that these are FICTION. That nobody looks like Cinderella, or Tiana, or Wonder Woman.

I just hope there's still time for a little of the damage to be undone.

Sunday Blogaround - 10.6.13

Hello! And welcome to another edition of the Blogaround!

It's been yet another great week. And I'm excited enough about the first post on the list that I'm going to spare you the introduction.

Enjoy!

"How the Rocky Horror Picture Show Changed the Way I Listened to Music" - Raised on the Radio
How could I not love this post? In case you missed it earlier this week, I wrote about my own relationship with the Rocky Horror Picture Show, otherwise known as "RHPS" or simply, "Rocky." This love letter to Rocky, written specifically about a theater where I personally tried to revive the RHPS stage show, is phenomenal. Enjoy!


"Lice is a Four Letter Word" - Bichin' Sisters
Not only is this post incredibly informative, it is utterly hysterical. We have so far avoided lice, but there's no knowing if we can keep up that streak indefinitely. If we ever do catch the bugs, you can bet this post will be my first line of defense- both for the advice and the justification to drink heavily.


"Teaspoons of Pureed Peas and Doubt" - Busy Since Birth
I can relate to every single word of this. To the self criticism, to the worry, and of course- the doubt. It's a long standing joke that parenting doesn't have a guidebook, that kids don't come with operating manuals. That there is no one right way to do things. So of course we attack ourselves, make ourselves miserable. Question ourselves. Cheryl expresses it perfectly. Go read it.


Mother Judger - Short Fat Dictator
On the other side of the motherhood coin, there's the judgement we pass on other mothers. The constant, unkind judgement. It's created from the same place- the same doubt. Once you've read Cheryl's post, read this one. And suddenly the whole "mommy wars" issue will be clear- a bunch of self conscious people terrified that maybe they're messing up.


"To the Fat Shaming Mom at the Soccer Field" - The Family Pants Blog
I know Colleen. Well, I've met her. I've hung out with her, and she's amazing. I mean, truly. Here is a woman who is as dedicated as it is humanly possible to be to a cause- and her cause is victims of domestic violence. Here is a woman who is an amazing mother to two children- one with special needs. And on top of that, she is an INCREDIBLE writer. BlogHer Voices of the Year honoree. Yeah. She's one of a kind. And yes, she's no twig. What she is, is a phenomenal human being, who we should all be so lucky to have in our lives, forgiving us when we make mistakes and doing all the things she does so well.


"Adorable Little Girl Duets With Father Amidst Imaginary Fireworks" - Gawker
Need a few minutes of total stinkin' cuteness? Just go ahead and watch. I'll be over here.


"Two Moms Talk About Pertussis" - Double X Science
I love this blog. I love a female-centric science blog on principle. But this is a particularly important post. We're having a public health crisis- one that could be avoided with routine vaccinations. Kids are getting sick, very sick, and dying. And there is no reason for it.


"Sinead O'Connor's Remarkable Open Letter to Miley Cyrus" - Ourstage.com
I promise- this is the last you'll hear from me about Miley Cyrus and her recent experiments with overt sexuality and cultural appropriation. I hope Miley reads this. I hope somebody around her cares enough to ensure she has time to think about it. It's not the best letter in the world, but it's true. And sometimes, truth is hard to come by. Especially in show business.


"Dear Son, I Hope You Stay Soft" - Renegade Mothering
Janelle does it again. This isn't just a lovely post from a mother to her son. This is a piece of writing. Writing that is worth reading. Not the usual fluff we fill up our brains with a million times a day, this is the kind of writing that justifies the existence of blogs. This is why you should be reading anything.


"I Don't Want My Marriage Today" - Next Life NO Kids
This is one of those posts that's hard to read. Not just because Julie is one of the sweetest, most kick ass ladies the blogosphere has ever introduced me to, but because it is raw. It's all out there- honest, without pretense. All the difficult moments, the self doubt, the self blame, the pain of it. We can all see something of ourselves, of our dark moments here. And putting yourself out there in this way, well, it takes courage and strength. And that makes me confident that Julie is going to pull through this.


"Truly touching story..." - The Meta Picture
I cried. I'm crying again. I'm crying right now.


"Sneakers with pink ribbons. and frustrations" - Motherthoughts
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but you probably knew that. And as aware as you are of breast cancer, are you aware of the many issues surrounding its treatment, care, and research? Do you know what "pink washing" means? Do you know how much the rate of breast cancer has gone down in the last forty years? Motherthoughts is writing posts all month about the other side of the Pink revolution. I highly encourage keeping up with her.