Been Caught Stealing

This week's Twisted Mix Tape theme is... Songs that could get me arrested.

Now, I thought for a moment that this referred to songs I have listened to while in the process of doing something seriously illegal. In which case, my list is the entire album "Haunted" by Poe, which I listened to ad nauseum in the middle of the night after stealing my father's convertible and joyriding through the countryside (with a conditional driver's license).

But no, this list is more of a series of jokes. Song titles, where if the subject of the song was something you actually did... well... you'd be arrested.

So with that in mind, my list:




Let's start literally. Stealing is illegal. Period. Bonus? This music video. Is amazing.




My husband and I had our first real musical disagreement over Aerosmith. I contend that they're one of the greatest rock bands of all time, while he describes them as "stripper music." Needless to say, history will undoubtedly vindicate both of us.



It's not in the title, I know, but... "Everybody must get stoned" has a pretty specific set of connotations.



While we're on the subject of songs with CONTENTS that would get us arrested, rather than their titles... this is probably the best song about coke dealers I know. So catchy! So fun! So much cocaine!



Last, but not least, a song notorious for its illegal activity, all of which is implied subtly and never overtly stated. This is the world's most famous song about stalking. Terrifying, constant, ominous stalking. The singer of this song needs help, possibly even more help than the subject of the song... who I seriously recommend ought to talk to a lawyer and get an order of protection. Because this shit is scary.

Yodelay HEE HOOOO!!!

It's hard to believe, but it's true.

I'M STILL IN BLOGGER IDOL!!!

I don't know what you guys were smoking to get all those votes in, but keep smoking it!

Here is the post that nearly got me eliminated:



Accoutrements Yodeling Pickle-  Not as Titillating as it Appears

My husband is a thoughtful guy. He knows everything about me, from my favorite flavor of ice cream to which days of the month it's most crucial that he brings them home after work. This has, however, not made him the world's greatest gift-giver.

Several months ago, he headed off for a long weekend with his friends. After watching the car drive down the street, I returned to the house and found an Amazon package on the bed, with a bow on top and a note reading. "Ordered this for you. In case you miss me." Inside I found this item.

Knowing how insane our three kids would be in his absence, and knowing my favorite method of coping with a stressful day after the children are in bed involved a *cough cough* different kind of pickle, I quickly stashed this green guy in my bedside table.

True to form, the children were mess-creating maniacs.

They emptied every drawer in the toy room and tried to flush six pounds of Mardi Gras beads down the toilet. They tore a hole in the couch upholstery and promptly filled it with My Little Ponies. And on top of that, the mice hiding in our dining room decided to finally make an appearance during dinner, leading the twins to a two hour quest to steal cheese from the fridge and surreptitiously "Feed it to Mickey and Minnie."

When bedtime came, and the sounds of three tiny snorers issued peacefully through the baby monitor, I was more than a little stressed out. My thoughts wandered to my big, beefy, romantic, and somewhat naughty husband... and the gift he had left me.

It was rather smaller than many such "toys" I've seen, which I assumed was my husband's intention- he wouldn't give me anything intimidating. The texture was less "ribbed for her pleasure" and more "a complex series of surprising sensations." And the green color did nothing to replicate the genuine article. I confess- my husband's member has never resembled the emerald green of the device before me. Realism certainly wasn't a factor in his choice of stress-relief proxy-penis.

I was a little nervous. I've had bad experiences with things I've purchased from Amazon before. But I had no doubt my loving husband had done his research, and I set aside my concerns to enjoy some hard won peace and quiet. I poured myself a glass of wine, lit some candles, and ran a bubble bath. Hey, if I was going to enjoy myself, I was going to REALLY enjoy myself.

With the sounds of Portishead quietly playing around the candlelit tub, I climbed in. And after a moment- I reached for my husband's present. I closed my eyes, bit my lip, and pushed what I thought was the "on" button.

A thunderous sound echoed off the tiled wall-



I handled the situation with impressive decorum, considering the circumstances.

My "relaxing" evening ended with me standing naked in the hallway, yelling to the confused and completely conscious children to keep off the glass covered floor (and getting an inevitable sliver of my shattered wine glass in my own foot). Of course the two four years olds wanted to jump into the bubble bath. And the toddler felt the need to join into the shouting match that followed, in grand toddler fashion.

Peace and quiet did not resume until well after midnight.

When my husband got home, I demanded an explanation. "I figured if you started missing me, I could annoy you from a distance and you'd be glad I'm gone."

Mission accomplished. My sexual nightmares are still filled with singing, dancing, anthropomorphic pickles.

In short, this is a very good yodeling pickle, if what you're looking for is a pickle that yodels. But don't even try for off-label purposes.

It's just not worth the trauma.

DISCLOSURE: This product review is fictional. It is an assignment from Blogger Idol. The opinions and statements here are fictional and were formed based on reviews on the site, as well as fictional ideas from myself.