Job Interview #4

This is as put-together as it ever gets at home.

It's official- I am out of interview outfits. Two was apparently my limit.

I'm working on it. Thanks to changing styles, the skirts I've tucked away for "when I lose the weight" (HA!) fit around my waist instead of my hips now, and it looks kind of intentional with a kick-ass belt on it. I have a thrift store belt that sort of applies. I also have a pretty formal dress that I think I can dress down to interview appropriateness. So, there's that.

Last time SI saw me on my way to an interview, her jaw literally dropped. She gasped out, "Wow! You look BEAUTIFUL!" It actually kind of helped, despite the fact that M was pointing out the hole in my leggings. Yeah, I was stitched together and safety pinned that day.

Today, I am off to my fourth interview in three weeks- the first being over the phone. This is the third interview for the same job. I know it's down to me and only one or two other candidates.

And here's the thing, I'm still not 100% sure that this is a good idea.

I never wanted to work full time while I had babies at home. RH is only nine months old- it seems so soon to be leaving her.

It's so far from home. It would complicate so many things.

I would miss my kids so, so, so much.

I would miss this more than I can say.

And I'm terrified.

I haven't worked outside my home since 2007. Yes, I was a student with two babies at home, but that's not the same. It was very much part time, and I did most of my work at home, where my children had (sometimes too much) access to me. Leaving the house to go across the city, out of the city on a daily basis... that's different. M would become the de-facto emergency parent. He would be orders of magnitude closer to home.

At the same time, I feel like I have to take this job. We're getting by right now, but just. We don't have any savings, we don't have enough to put away anything for the future. To buy a new car, or a new house, or anything. We have nothing stashed away. But we're getting by. With this job? I would be taking home real money, even after the cost of childcare and travel. It would change that equation. We wouldn't just be getting by, we might actually be secure. It's hard to explain the difference, but it's there. The difference between knowing that you're going to pay all your bills, and knowing that you have a safety net. It's a big difference, and it doesn't really take a lot. But it matters.

We have all kinds of travel plans in the next few months. To New York for my cousin's bar mitzvah, to Iowa for my father's honorary doctorate, to New Mexico for another cousin's wedding. To Michigan and Minnesota to see Grandmommy, Poppa, Grandma, and Grandpa. Would I have to cancel all of that because of a new job? Probably.

And then there's M.

He's fine, of course, but there's always that lingering doubt. What if he isn't fine? What if the cancer comes back? What if he needs to quit his job and take care of his health? What if something even worse were to happen?

How is it at all responsible of me not to be prepared for that? To have back-up insurance, a career that can support us if things go south?

But how is it a good choice to plan for for the worst?

I recognize that I am lucky to be afforded a choice. I recognize that there is no right, no wrong answer. That I am in charge of my destiny, and that I live in a time and place that allows me that freedom. Yet, and not surprisingly, none of this helps.

I haven't been offered the job, of course. But I'm confident, once again, that if I enter the room with confident, stay cool, and own it the way I did last week... I'll rock it just as hard. I'm confident I can get this job, and excel at this job.

I can do that.

I still don't know what I should do, though.

My interview is at 10am. Wish me luck.