Integrity

The grublings playing on the lawn

As most of you are probably already aware, I'm in school these days.

I'm a perpetual student.

I've majored in Opera Performance, in Philosophy, in Creative Writing, in Fashion Design... and now, here I am.  Narrowing in on my degree at last.  In Public Administration and Urban Policy.

Sort of a left turn from where I started out, no?

I've been in college, a variety of colleges, for the past twelve years.  It used to be exciting, exhilarating.  I used to learn and have my preconceptions tested and debunked.  Not anymore.

Now I'm just getting by.  Killing time.  Closing in on the end.  And this is an endless source of depression for me.

DD

You see, there's a reason I've never finished my degree.  It's not that I'm lazy, or disorganized.  It's not that I was ridiculously young to be embarking on a college career, and sort of confused about it.  No, it's a matter of integrity.  Once I realized that I had no intention of building a career, of using the degree I was working towards, I couldn't continue towards it in good conscience.  When I realized I would never be able to be an artist (which is to say, never be ONLY an artist as opposed to waiting tables or telemarketing), I left art school.  Once I realized that I could never work in an industry that is fully conscious of the exploitation of its laborers (had a lovely conversation with the accessory buyer for Sears that devolved into a shouting match), I dropped out of fashion school.  Once I realized that being a working philosopher was, in most respects, worse than being a working artist, I joined AmeriCorps.

But now I'm almost done with my degree.  A degree that I can use, that I can move into non-profit management, or walk into the public sector and find meaningful work utilizing.

And I'm miserable.

SI

Why?  Because I am learning nothing.  In these twelve years that I have been school hopping, the standards in the Universities across this country have dropped dramatically.  Here I am, juggling two toddlers, a fairly complicated personal life, and completely half-assing my school work.  And even though I'm completely aware of how much I'm half-assing it, putting in three times the work of my fellow students.  Self-entitled slackers who make excuses like, "It was my boyfriend's birthday so I had to go to the club instead of preparing my presentation.  I even lost my sweater."

...these students are getting As.

The work I'm doing now, this work MIGHT have gotten me Bs at my first community college, over a decade ago.  And the degree I would have gotten with these grades?  It would have gotten me a really good job.

This degree is only going to get me a good job because I've also got the experience and the networking skills.  By itself, I'd be looking at grad school.  And this makes me feel like a fraud.

This degree, it's meaningless.  It means that anyone in my classes can get this degree, which is to say that they can limp along, never doing the reading or the homework, coming up with sob stories and excuses, and walk away with this degree.

DD

When I started this program, it was a pilot.  It was entirely taught by graduate faculty.  And they made me WORK.  They made me LEARN.  One of them even gave me a B, and she was right.  I could have done better.

Now they've hired on a whole faculty of undergrad professors.  Who mostly just care about making sure everyone passes.  Already knowing the material, knowing that I'm half-assing it... I feel like a cheater.

And I want to teach my children about integrity.  I want to teach them that they should stand up for professionalism, for intelligence.  For doing their best.  Regardless of how unpopular or isolated in might make them for a time.  No matter how many people might tell them that they're wasting they're energy, or making them look bad.  I want my children to know that they should always do their best.  Should always BE their best.

So for me, this degree is going to represent a betrayal of my ideals.  And that really hurts.  But it's just as important that I set an example for my children that they finish what they start.  No matter how long it takes.  So I'm going to finish.

SI

And maybe I'm going to learn something important, too.  Maybe I'm finally going to learn a lesson about shutting up and doing what I'm told.  I've never been good at that.  I've never wanted to be.  I still don't.  I would always rather be the lone voice on the side of honesty and decency, and not blindly following along when it makes no sense.  But isn't that what you really need to succeed in this world?  Isn't knowing how to put on some blinders and just get things done because you HAVE to a good thing?  I had a supervisor tell me that once, right before he sent me home without pay to decide whether or not he was going to fire me.

So often, I find myself looking at a crowd and seeing a mass of ignorant, angry, or frightened strangers.  People who are looking for any excuse to follow- not to have to think for themselves.  And there are two kinds of people who can see the crowd and stay out of it- people of character and integrity, and people who want to lead the frightened masses.  Who want to tell them who to blame, who to castigate, who to attack.

I don't want to be that kind of person.  I want to be the sort of person who slowly but surely opens their eyes to the crowd around them, to the dangerous wackos pointing them in meaningless circles, and help them find a way to their own path- and their own mind.  I want other people to find that integrity within themselves, to hold themselves up as the best example of themselves that they can be.  Not to half-ass it when they can be so brilliant.

M and his children

This time next year, despite my husband's cancer, despite my complicated pregnancy, despite my wedding and my children and my own illnesses, and despite changing degrees seven times and changing schools five times since I was a terrified and green 15 year old freshman, I'll be getting myself a cap and a gown.  I'll be getting ready to do something I've never done before in my life.  I'll be getting ready to graduate.

I just hope I can set aside all of my disappointment and disillusionment and enjoy it when it happens.