Frightened of the Unkown, and the Inevitable

26 weeks with Baby X

As Baby X makes her presence more and more known, I am beginning to panic.

I have no solid plans for the nursery.  This is irrelevant, as without several weeks of concerted effort, I will have no nursery to speak of anyway.

I don't have several weeks to dedicate to that sort of thing.

I have no idea what I have and what I don't have when it comes to baby items.  I know I have a dozen gigantic storage bins in the basement, but I haven't gone through and organized them.

I have no time to do that sort of thing.

Instead, I have been trying to squeeze in a few hours of sleep here and there, potty train my two year olds (until your kid has taken her diaper off in order to crap all over her bed, you have no idea how exhausted you can be), keep up with school, keep up my health, and keep up with the laundry.

Bringing my twins home from the hospital.  Utterly terrified.

And to reiterate, I am beginning to panic.

I have been very, VERY lucky.  My children were easy babies.  Really, really, really easy babies.

Now they are very, VERY easy children.  But they know something is up.

They know because I am so tired.  Because I am so unavailable.  Because I am so distracted.  Because I am so... worried.

Because they have taken the lessons about good behavior getting attention to heart, they have become absurd little angels.  Climbing on my lap, politely asking to snuggle me, telling me how much they want to play with me.

They're worried.  There's just not as much of me to go around as there was a few months ago.  A few weeks ago, even.  And I fear that in another few short months, there will be so much less.

Five days old, passed out after nursing.

This baby is becoming more and more real.  And what that means for our family is also becoming more real.

I had believed that, having twins, I was used to dividing myself between my children.

I had believed that, having twins, the idea of another child was somehow less dramatic.  Less significant.

And now?  Now I'm just terrified.

I just know now that I'm going to lose something.  I'm going to lose the privacy I had to just love my little girls all the time, to cover them in affection and devote my attention to their games.

I am terrified of this new baby, because I have no idea what she means for our family.  I have no idea what she's going to do to our family.  I have no idea how much things are going to change.  But they are.

And that terrifies me.

I am afraid of losing this.  I would be insane not to be, wouldn't I?