March 29, 2012

Stream of Barely Conscious-ness

SI helping out a little friend
I have been pretty tense lately.  Tense, tired, and incredibly introspective.

Today I found myself utterly exhausted, running through the various distractions one has at their disposal when one doesn't have the energy to take their children out.

As I zoned out, staring without focus towards the TV projecting "Follow That Bird" into the room, two things penetrated my incredibly sluggish mind.

Inside the tent
One was the nubbins of DD's pigtails, pushing through the purple wall of the tent I had erected in our living room to act as some sort of distraction.

The other was a shape moving and shifting, pushing against the purple fabric of my dress.

For a moment, I was struck with the profundity of it.

It was the same purple.

My daughters, giggling and playing some game I couldn't devote any attention to, there in the tent.

My baby, kicking and rolling inside of my belly.

For a moment, I was struck with the terror of it.

Another child.  Another baby.  Another little person in my life, when I had not the energy for even one at the moment.

Now, my children are playing peacefully without intervention.  Baby X continues to kick, experimentally it seems.

30 weeks
I am running out of time.

I have ten weeks before Baby X is here.

Really, I only have three weeks to get everything done.

This week, I prepare for Passover.

The next three weeks, I prepare the nursery and M prepares for his last finals.

And then I graduate- and my mother moves in until Baby X is here.  And then M graduates.  And then I start up my final, four week long class.

And four days after that class ends...

Baby X's due date.

I am running out of time.

The tent in the living room is filled with plastic and wooden and cloth food.

And with laughter.

It is purple.  The same purple as my dress.

There is another little girl in this purple hideaway.

Quiet mischief
There is more love coming into this house.  There is more to do.  There is so much to do.  There is so, so, so much to do.

Every minute, the toy food spreads across the house.

Every minute is another minute I don't have.

I am running out of time.

I am running out of energy.

I am running out.

I am afraid, and I am tired, and I have so much left to do.

And I am so eager to have all three of my little girls in the same tent.  Giggling, spreading their toys around the house, caring for each other while I stare blankly towards "Follow That Bird."

Somewhere, a toy blender has been left on- endlessly spinning purple bits of glitter into oblivion.

Baby X kicks against the purple cloth.

SI hands me a purple plastic eggplant.

With the sun shining, I see two purple silhouettes in a tent in my living room.

Every minute is another minute that I am not adequately savoring.  Every minute is work lost on my capstone project.  Every minute is a minute closer to our family growing larger again.

For a moment, I can't care.

I am the furthest thing in the world from tense, or nervous.

I am surrounded by the sweetest children I have ever known.

Children that I am too tired to force down for a nap.  Strange though that may sound.

And in my exhaustion it seems that my whole life is...

Purple.  And full to overflowing with love.


  1. Hang in there!!! It will all come together for you. Good luck! :)

  2. I swear the last 10 weeks of pregnancy are the absolute worst. I sat here nodding in total understanding as you described yourself. Been there. And while I won't lie and say having three kids is TOUGH (as I like to joke about on my blog), you will find yourself in a very short time period wondering what your life was like without all three.

    Hang in there! And stock up on coffee =)

  3. It will all turn out beautifully. It seems an insurmountable task, but so did twins. Really, what's one more? We have to good fortune to have gotten the hard part out of the way first - imagine those poor parents of singletons who feel as exhausted as you and I did with two, looking at incoming set of twins. At least your only adding one this time, it's like a pro athlete joining the rec league. Life never hands us more than we can handle - I'm a firm believer in this. Even though sometimes, in the moment, I'm convinced that life is full of shit.



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