Nobody's Fault But Mine

Cute babies make a lot of things better.

Every once in a while, you have "one of those days."

I am having "one of those days."

No, I am having One Of Those Days, entirely made worse by the fact that it is ENTIRELY my own fault.

I am a great mom. A great wife. A pretty good friend, I think. But today? I am simply terrible at being a function person operating in the confines of my own body.

Imagine, if you will, that moment when you groan awake in the dark, sure that your wonderful co-parent is awake and getting ready for work, too busy showering or shaving or what-have-you to hear that the baby is crying, awake for the day.

Adorable SI helps.

Normally, you creak upright, you shuffle across the house, and you do your parental duties.

But today... today is different. Because like a crazy person, in your utter exhaustion the previous night, you fell asleep in a weird position.

You know how when you sleep in a weird position, you typically shift out of it when you're uncomfortable? You wake up sort of sore, but you can basically stretch it out.

Unless, like yours truly, you managed to fall asleep in a position so weird you were actually incapable of rolling.

Last night, I fell asleep with my arms above my head, wedged between the pillow and the headboard.

...you ever tried that trick where you press your arms to the sides of the doorframe for thirty seconds and then your muscles just limp your limp arms to your sides?  Now try sleeping for EIGHT HOURS with your arms pressed above your head.

It was all I could do to bring them down, but they sure as hell weren't working.

And so, I rolled awkwardly in the bed for a few minutes, realizing that I was only capable of exiting my blanket if I rolled the two feet onto the floor. Instead, I lay calling for M like a pathetic idiot, and explained to him that my arms were useless. I'm pretty sure he thought I was still dreaming, but humored me and retrieved the baby.

Princess DD helps.

When he came back he discovered how utterly absurd my predicament was. He gently positioned the baby for me, unhitched my bra for me, and shoved the baby's mouth into approximate position. Then he went to work.

And then I, slowly regaining use of my arms, learned what other effects practically dangling from your arms all night will have on your body.

So of course, everything else that has gone wrong today has been entirely related to my arm-over-head-sleeping injury. From dropping a gallon of milk to pulling down the curtains to knocking a pot ONTO my head to wondering whether or not it was worth it to try to pick the bits of my knuckles out of the grated cheese.

Yeah, you don't want to eat here today.

At least the kids are being pretty easy. So far. It's only mid morning, so there's still time. I've decided to avoid knives for at least another couple of hours.

The moral of the story?

Try not to fall asleep with your arms stuck over your head. I promise you, you'll regret it.