The Best Birth Control is Other People's Kids

They're incredibly charming creatures.

Recently, a friend of mine spent the weekend with us.

She doesn't have any children, and I sincerely doubt there are children in her short-term future plans. My kids made sure of that.

Now, don't get me wrong. My children are charming. Really, truly, adorable and friendly and all sorts of fun.

...but they're still small children, who act like small children.

In a brief few days, Aunt Ginger was introduced to all manners of experiences that are normally reserved to the few, the proud, the parents.

Perhaps my favorite moment of the weekend in this respect was when SI decided that her butt itched.

Now, once upon a time, I let my kids try to wipe their own butts. (Oh yes, it's that kind of story.) I put that particular milestone on hold, because... they were terrible at it. SI ended up with this itchy rash, and I explained to her that it was because there was still a little poo stuck to her bottom.

She has never forgotten that. Every time she has an itch- almost anywhere- she tells me that she has poo stuck there. Ah, three year olds.

My little insane person

So, we're sitting in the living room, watching some post-breakfast cartoons, and suddenly SI announces that she has a little poo stuck to her bottom. I happened to know for a fact that this was fiction, and proceeded to tell her so.

It was at that point that she began removing her clothing.

"Look at it mommy! Look at the poo on my bottom!"
"No- SI, please stop... don't take off your underpants..."
"Mommy- LOOK AT MY BOTOM! THERE'S POO ON MY BOTTOM!"
"SI- stop! Please stop! Just leave your bottom alone!"
"LOOK AT MY BOTTOM!"
"Get your hands out of there! Don't do that!"
"LOOK AT MY BOTTOM!!!!"
"Puh-please stop! T-t-take your hands away..."
"STOP LAUGHING, MOMMY! LOOK AT MY BOTTOM!!!!!"
"Oh God, SI, please... please stop pulling your butt cheeks..."
"LOOK AT MY BOTTOM, AUNT GINGER!!!"
"It's like the cutest little Goatse I've ever seen..."
"SI, GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THERE!"
"LOOK AT MY BOTTOM, MOMMY! THERE'S POO ON MY BOTTOM!!!!"
"Get your butt out of my face, please! Just please stop! Please stop!"
"LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT NOOOOOOOOW!!!!"
"Please get your hands out of there!!!!"
"LOOOOOOK AAAAAAT MYYYYYY BOTTOOOOOMMM!!!"

At this point, as I'm sure you can imagine, all the adults in the room were in tears laughing.

"Yes, I see, you're right. There's poo stuck to your bottom. Let's go wash it off."
"I have poo stuck to my bottom!"
"I guess so. STOP RIGHT NOW- OH MY GOD GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!!"






I expect that Aunt Ginger is inoculated against baby fever for at least two years.

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FYI- Aunt K is a stand up comic. And yes, her misadventures with my kids have found their way into her routines. Take a peek at about 3:30. NSFW.