Well, That Took A Turn

No ifs, ands, or butts.

DD and RH gobbled their eggs as fast as I could dish them out. SI picked at her, soaking up as much maple syrup as possible with her pancakes.

I grinned at my children. "Good job, DD! You're eating so much!"

"I am a egg eating machine!"

"You ate so many eggs!" SI piped up. "You have a chubby butt!"

DD looked around, as though she could see her butt from a seated position by glancing over elbow. "I do? Mommy, do I have a chubby butt? Like RH?"

Crap. Body image. Why do I have to keep calling the baby "chubby butt?" Shit shit shit shit shit...

"Um, yeah, you do. And that's great! You have a perfect butt!"

"My butt is chubby?"

"What about MY butt?" SI pushed back from the table, and hoisted her skirt up over her underwear.

"You also have a perfect butt, sweetie."

"Is it chubby?"

"I don't know! But there are lots of perfect kinds of butt! Chubby butts, and flat butts, and heart shaped butts..."

"Heart shaped?" DD perked up immediately- she is very aware that there is no more perfect shape than a heart. Particularly if it's pink.

"Yup. Like upside down hearts.

"That's silly!" she giggled.

"It is."

"What about balloon butts?" SI asked.

"Yes, there are balloon butts. Daddy has a balloon butt!"

They both laughed.

"And daddy's butt is perfect," I added.

"What about butts with heads?" SI asked, grinning mischievously.

"Yes, there are definitely butts with heads." I refrained from naming names.

"What about butts with arms?" she asked again.

"I don't think I've ever seen a butt with arms..."

"I have!" DD jumped in. "I've seen a butt with a hand on it!"

"Well..."

"A butt with a hand!" SI laughed so hard she nearly fell out of her chair.

"Who has a butt with a hand?" I asked.

"Aunt Genocide!"

"She does?"

"YES!" they both dissolved into giggles again.

"Who's hand is on Aunt Genocide's butt? Is it her hand or somebody else's?"

"Somebody else's." DD said seriously.

SI nodded. "It's daddy's hand."

"Daddy's hand is on Aunt Genocide's butt? I think I need to have a talk with daddy."

"Why?"

"Because it's not okay to put your hands on people's butt."

They both froze, staring at me.

"Why?"

"Um... people are private, and they don't like it when other people touch their bottoms."

"But I like touching butts," said SI.

"I know you like touching your butt, but-"

"RH likes touching HER bottom!" DD yelled across the table.

"Yes, and that's okay. But it's only ever okay to touch somebody else's bottom if you ask first."

They looked at me like I was crazy. I had to admit they were onto something.

"If you want to touch somebody's bottom, you have to ask first. Say, 'Can I touch your butt?' And if they say yes, then you can touch their butt."

They nodded solemnly.

"And nobody can touch your butt unless they ask you first. Unless," I added quickly, "unless they're helping you wipe your bottom after you went to the potty. Then they don't have to ask permission, because they're already doing you a favor."

"Okay, mommy."

"Let's watch Sesame Street, okay?"

"Yay! Sesame Street!"

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Somebody please tell me I'm not the only one having these ridiculous conversations with my three year olds?