October 26, 2013

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

Thank you so much for keeping me in the running for Blogger Idol! This past week we had to team up with our competitors for an interview. Lisa and I had a lot of fun with the assignment!

In case you missed it, here's the post that ran on Wednesday:

Exclusive Interview with the Mommy Wars Champions

In the strangest pairing since Oscar and Felix, Lea and Lisa joined forces in “The Mommy Wars,” a battle to the death between parents. Lea is a tattooed, liberal Jew who longs for professional acclaim; while Lisa is a conservative, Lilly Pulitzer wearing Catholic who was deliriously happy to escape the corporate world. We caught up with the champs after the dust settled.

How did you become the most fearsome duo in Mommy Wars history?

Lea: I heard a mom panicking when she couldn’t load wikipedia on her phone. I asked Lisa, “Why doesn’t she read a book?” Turns out Lisa shares my love of reference materials!

Lisa: I just sensed a kindred spirit. We both spend summers in the Northern Michigan wilderness, and we’re not dependent on electronic devices to get by. Trust me, there’s nobody else you want with you in a survival game than someone who can recognize poisonous hallucinogenic mushrooms on sight.

How did you find yourselves in the Mommy Wars?

Lisa: It was accidental. I clicked on a Huff Post Parenting article,  there was this giant sucking sound and everything went black… then Whomp!  I landed smack in it. Weird!

Lea: A post from my blog was picked up by HuffPo, and I read the comments. When one mom snarked that I shouldn’t have had kids, I grabbed my emergency Zombie Apocalypse hatchet and dove in. I just wanted to make everyone stop playing! It didn’t take long to learn the best way to stop to it was to win.

What special skills contributed to your win?

Lisa: Being judged doesn’t rattle me.  Plus I can do everything one-handed. With three kids, I can cook dinner, help with homework, and sew a Halloween costume, all while holding a baby. Those other moms had nothing on me when it came  to survival.  But I think it was the chateaubriand I whipped up out of squirrel meat that really gave us the strength to go on.

Lea: I’m a vegetarian, but when times are dire you do what it takes. Lisa made that squirrel delicious. I don’t know what to do with a rodent carcass, but I’ve got no problems milking wild animals. Turns out raccoon yogurt is delightful.

How did you deal with the physical challenges of the Mommy Wars?

Lea: You’ve got to cope with pain. I sewed up a nasty gash on Lisa’s calf after some SAHDs caught us. Man, they were tough. When Lisa started fading I threatened to write, “Her body was found in a ditch,” in her obituary. She came back hardcore!

Lisa: I fought them off. Wimps. I mean, who brings a Cuisinart blade to a knife fight? And I hate needles...but Lea’s suturing skills are those of a surgeon, due to years of  costuming. What was it you used, Lea?

Lea: Hawthorn trees have spiny twigs... better than metal. All you do is boil out the bacteria.

Lisa: Take that, Bear Grylls.

Lea: Bear Grylls would probably use duct tape. Such a noob.

Any regrets about what you did to win?

Lisa: I kind of regret telling that group of PTO moms there was a 90% off sale at Kohl’s, and pointing toward a cliff and yelling “That way!” Man, they stampeded over there so fast, and then just dropped off the edge one by one, like lemmings. I feel bad about that. There’s gonna be no one left to run the bake sale next year.

What was your biggest challenge?

Lea: Lack of childcare. It’s no picnic, shimmying down a tree to plant a hatchet in somebody’s skull- especially with twins plus one on your back. We left our kids in a cave with some goldfish crackers and Kindles. When we finally went back all they did was ask Lisa if they could make cookies. And the baby said “Batman.”

Lisa: Trying to talk Lea off the ledge every time she saw a spider. Attachment parents coming at us with nun-chucks didn’t phase her, but I had to use the entire supply of Xanax after she found a daddy long legs in her sleeping bag.

Lea: Come on, it was at LEAST a tarantula.

Lisa: For God’s sake, woman, you survived a uterine rupture! That alone gives you the street cred to kick spider ass!

What was the worst part of the competition for you?

Lisa: The Judgement Smackdown, when contestants hurled insults at each other over parenting philosophies. You should have seen the showdown between breastfeeders and bottle feeders. The rage… the spittle. I still have nightmares.

Lea: I saw one anti-vax SAHM tear off a Lean In-er’s nipple. And I don’t even remember what their subject was! Co-sleeping? Circumcision? When to introduce solids?

Lisa: Fortunately we brought some common sense into the fray. Lea stood up and quoted her blog, “Breast is best, absolutely, but NOTHING is better than a functional parent.” It was like a light went on for them.

You’ve won the $1,000,000,000 prize- will your decision to stay home change?

Lisa: No. I love being with my kids, and where else can I find a job besides blogging where my bosses are amused by my ADD and total aversion to routine? As for how I’ll spend the money, I may get a new car… one that doesn’t smell like sweaty socks and old cheerios.

Lea: I’ll stay home. All that money is going to groceries. I’ll eat morel and sunchoke frittatas for breakfast every day. Also, I’ll finally follow my dream to sing. Lisa’s going to be my back-up!

What would you like to see in future Mommy Wars?

Lisa: I think just ending it would be good. It’s run its course.

Lea: Fighting over parenting details is absurd. We all love our kids, we’re all doing our best, that’s what matters.

Lisa: Agreed. But I think we made an impact, didn’t we Lea?

Lea: I hope we improved the tone. If not, the sack of psychedelic mushrooms I dropped in the well should shake things up next season.

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