April 1, 2014

April Fools

I'm a clown, what can I say?
I love pranks. LOVE them. But, sadly, my love of pranks usually eliminates any hope I might have of actually pulling one off.

There was one time, back in my wild and reckless youth, that I had a nasty fight with Aunt Something Funny. I have no idea what it was about, but it was ugly. After a long night of drinking coffee and complaining about big sisters with a friend, I came up with a plan.

I bought a pie. I would stay awake all night, waiting for Aunt Something Funny to come down to the kitchen for breakfast. As she came down, I would offer her a slice of pie. Naturally, she would say yes. As I carried the pie across the kitchen, I would accidentally slip, stumbling forward, and smashing the pie into her face.

Can you imagine a more gratifying scene? Me neither.

So I stayed up ALL NIGHT, giggling with my friend and NOT eating the pie.

And finally, she appeared, bleary eyed and foul tempered.

"Would you like some pie for breakfast?" I asked, trying not to grin.

She scowled, still angry about the previous night, or maybe just not a morning person. "Fine, sure, I'll eat pie. Whatever."

So I lifted the pie from the counter. And I turned towards her, and put one foot forward.

And then I attempted to put my other foot forward. But I was stepping on the opposite leg of my pajama pants.

And I fell.

And landed face first in my own pie.

My friend and I howled with laughter. We laughed so hard we couldn't speak for so long that Aunt Something Funny turned around with a confused, disgusted look, and went back to bed. Pie free.

I never got any better at practical jokes.

One ridiculous attempt to prank M ended with me giggling in the trunk of our car while he drove circles around a parking lot, pretending not to notice I was in the trunk, giggling, getting ready to pull some kind of prank him.

The only person I can successfully prank is SI, who at four and a half years old shares my love for being startled. I have a tendency to hide behind doors and just jump out at her for no reason.

Seriously. I'm winning all the parenting awards over here.

The only prank I've successfully pulled on another person was while M was going through chemotherapy. I posted an update to my friends online that I was finally going out and getting that tattoo I always wanted. A purple crescent moon. On my face.

The fact that they believed me really says more about my inability to make good life choices than my prowess at coming up with a good joke.

So no, you can't expect any April Fool's surprises from me. I guarantee they would backfire and I'd end up with a face full of whipped cream or something.

There are worse things.

Happy April!

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