April 25, 2012

Should Have Seen This Coming

In the last week or so, a very terrifying fact has finally permeated my foggy, exhausted brain.

I've been in a near panic, vacillating between downright terror and utter despondency with brief explosions of excitement in between.

DD- two days old and exploring the world around her
I'm about to have a freakin' baby.

In less than a week, this baby will be the same developmental age that SI and DD were when they were born.  Tiny, but perfect.  With perfectly functional little lungs, with all their fingers and toes...

Tiny, but ready to be in the world.

Less than a week before Baby X is where they were.

I've been getting the feeling that she's getting ready.  I feel her practicing breathing- her back rising and falling rhythmically inside of my torso for thirty seconds or so at a go.  And it feels seriously weird.  But reassuring.  And scary.  Because if she's ready to breathe, she doesn't really *need* to stay in there and get all cute and chubby, does she?  It's best- no doubt- but I don't need to worry about an early arrival hurting her.

My baby girls
I am NOT READY.  Not even close.

I have a nursery with fresh paint in it, but nothing else.

I have a heap of fabric and foam to turn into curtains and a crib bumper.  I have a lamp with no shade.

I have boxes and boxes of baby things that I haven't even opened from when the girls were newborns.  I have absolutely no clue *what* I have.

I haven't packed a bag.  I haven't even made a list.

I haven't even opened my big ol' box of nursing supplies.

I have, however, started to see that I might be in trouble.

Taking our family home from the hospital
What am I going to do when I'm needed by the girls in the morning, to get them dressed and cleaned up for the day, and I've also got a newborn?

What am I going to do when I just want to hold my toddlers on my lap and play with their curls?  Where does a nursing infant fit into that?

What am I going to do when they follow me around the house, asking me to just come and play, while I change a diaper every two hours (or less), or run the ENDLESS laundry that two toddlers and an infant will no doubt create, or try to gently rock Baby X to sleep?

I just. don't. know.

I don't know how this is going to work.

I'm trying to cherish the time I have with my kids before the new one gets here.  But I don't have time.  I have so much to do for the new baby.

One week from today, this is how old Baby X will be
And I have so much anxiety, and fear, and trepidation.

But I'm also excited.  Because I love this baby.  And while I know they don't exactly understand that the baby is real, and is really going to come and live in our house, SI and DD like to tell me that they love the baby, and that hey're going to take care of the baby.  And I know that as much as they can do the latter, they will.  And I have no doubt that they WILL love the baby.  Their baby sister.

"I love you Baby Sisstoo!" they say to my tummy.  And I panic.  Because there is a freakin' BABY in there. Not a fetus, not an abstract idea.  A baby.

I living, practicing-breathing, itsy bitsy human.

SI and DD- friends from the start
Perhaps the most terrifying creature known to man.

...waiting for just the right moment to strike.

I am not ready.  I will probably never be ready.  I must be ready.  Because there is no stopping what is going to happen from happening.

There is no getting around the fact that this baby likes to be up at night.  Or that that this baby has needs that only the adults responsible for her can meet.  Or that this baby is going to be on her way out of my body and into my home soon.

We are going to be a family of five.

And I am scared out of my freakin' mind.


  1. You can do it. I have twins too! So happy I found your blog. My twins are a little older, 8 to be exact and I have an 11 year old daughter. I just had another baby in January. I was so scared, I still am scared. But you will be okay. You seem like a great mommy. It will all work out!

    1. Thank you! I can't imagine being so far removed from the diapers and sleepless nights and then starting all over again... how brave of you!

  2. That little baby won't need curtains or whatever else YOU find yourself missing or lacking. That little baby will need you and the love you and your whole family share. :) Congrats to you! How exciting! Try to stay sane. ;)

  3. You can't fool me, you're gonna make it look easy.

  4. It's ok to be scared. The baby will come and it will be fine whether or not the nursery is done. And when the baby arrives you will be ready even if you think you aren't. Stopping by from PYHO.

    1. Thanks for stopping by! I'm sure you're right. I just can't stop the panic from coming. Or the baby, for that matter. :P

  5. You survived twins! You can tackle this. And you don't have to rush the curtains or crib bumper, there is plenty of time. ;) I'm sure once the baby gets here, you'll be preoccupied with snuggling than if the curtains are there or not.

  6. It will all work out. I can't explain how or what, but it will. It always does.

    You're gonna be fine.

  7. I am a mother of three, and my last two are only 17 months apart. Nothing like twins, mind you! But, it was definitely a struggle in the beginning to nurse a newborn and have a 17 month old who wanted, needed me. Nevermind my oldest! It was scary, but I had a LOT of help. Especially in the beginning. My parents stayed for several days, and then returned (and continue to do so) often. Take whatever help you can get.

    Also, I have learned, it's ok for someone to cry. They will be all right. You can't do it all at once! :)

    Congrats, so excited for you!!

    1. Thank you so much. I remember when the twins were 17 months old I was thinking, "I could totally have a new baby right now."

      Now of course, I think I was just CRAZY. Kudos to you!

  8. I don't think any of us is really ready! But, you'll do great. And figure out a new routine.

    With my third, b/c I was chasing two toddlers around, I wore a LOT. That saved me.

    1. I've definitely registered for a new sling for Baby X. I wore the girls quite a bit, but I imagine with one baby that's going to be a MUCH easier feat!

  9. Stopping by from the Pour Your Heart Out party. I don't have twins, but I remember feeling similarly to having my second (with a 26 month old already at home). I don't know how it happens, and you probably won't remember either, but you WILL make it. AND live to blog about it :). Congratulations :).

  10. I'm sure it'll be hard, but you'll get it. Just focus on the things you HAVE to do before the baby comes (and getting the nursery ready probably isn't one of them) and let the rest happen when you have time. Hey, maybe nesting will kick in full force and you'll get everything done at the 11th hour (both figuratively and literally!). Good luck!

  11. Deep breath. You can do this. You rock this motherhood thing. It's totally normal to feel all you are feeling. I wish you a safe delivery and look forward to hearing about the joyful moment when you become a family of five.

  12. Your babes are so cute! I am laughing out loud because I am trying to find other mama bloggers and I keep coming across your blog on every website I visit! Love these post topics. Keep it up!



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