Today, I Am A Crappy Mom

This is a picture of my children making friends.  My children.  At preschool.

Last night, I had a full fledged panic attack.  I did it quietly, while making dinner, so as not to alarm M... but it happened.  I knew while it was happening that it was pointless to freak out, that there was no reason.  That I should just contain myself and have a glass of water, and boil the pierogi.

It was a simple enough thing.  I had finished putting my big girls to bed, and through the whole bedtime routine we were talking about how important it was that they get a lot of sleep because they had their FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL in the morning.

We talked about all the fun things they would do and learn at their preschool.  About all the new friends they would make.  About bringing their lunches, and being polite, asking to use the potty.  About playing with the other boys and girls, and taking turns, and sharing, and saying "please" and "thanks you."

And as I walked into the kitchen to make dinner, I thought to myself, "I should make their lunches tonight, just to be on the safe side."

And then I realized that they didn't have lunch boxes.

And that's when it happened.

My twins are at preschool right now.  And last night I had a total meltdown about it.

Not because they're so big, and now they're entering a new world that I can never be a part of.

No, because suddenly, I'm really a mom.  A mom that they will compare to other moms.  A mom that didn't have the good sense to get them lunch boxes before their school year started.  A mom that didn't manage to even give them a bath the night before their first day of school.

For the first time, I am actually comparing myself with other moms.  Moms who miraculously lost their baby weight, moms who are showered and properly attired, moms who's kids smell nice.  Moms who's kids have lunch boxes.

I had been thinking that lunch boxes would be a good birthday present.  That's still a few weeks away.  I figured we could wing it for September.  Why did I think that?

I didn't make their lunches last night.  I just cried about it.

And this morning I woke up, made the lunches, roused the children, fed the baby, fed the children, dressed the children, and shuffled everyone into the car.

We were ten minutes late to school.  It could have been worse.  As SI kept saying on the way to school, "Mommy, that happens!"

And we arrived, and I parked in the handicapped parking spot because it was the only one open, and I brought my kids to preschool and signed them in.  And as they washed their hands to begin their day with their new teachers and new friends, I quietly sneaked out the door again.

And then I ran a quick errand, came home, fed the baby, showered, fed the baby, loaded the dishwasher, sat down to blog, fed the baby, and came back to the blog.

And I have to leave to get the girls from preschool in twenty minutes.

I'm an adult now.  I really suppose I need to get used to that idea.  But I'm not.

The idea that I have to wake up my children and get them ready for school... that's a little much for me at the moment.

I had this wonderful idea- while they were at school, I would practice the piano.  Or watch adult shows- like the Walking Dead.  Or I would clean.

But it's not like that.  It's just that the house is a lot emptier while I'm busy being a mom to one.

And one?  One can be harder than two or three.  With two, they keep each other entertained.  With three, the two entertain the little one.  With one?

I've never had one baby before.  I hardly know what to do with one baby.

I know, it's a ridiculous thing to be upset about, or overwhelmed by...

But I am.

I am overwhelmed and confused and sort of in a state of shock.

Right now, my kids are having a snack with their new friends.  They've cleaned up toys, they've probably done some sort of project...  I don't remember today's routine.  Maybe they baked muffins.

But whatever they're doing, they're doing it without me.  And somehow that doesn't make my day any easier.

And I actually miss them.  The house feels a little lonely when I can't hear them trashing the living room behind me.

I feel so much more like a mom today than I usually do.

I feel like I suddenly have so much more responsibility to take hold of.

I feel like it's not my kids who are older, it's me.  And dropping them off at school today wasn't a giant milestone for them, it was a milestone for me.

Today I'm the crappy mom who didn't bathe her kids, procure lunch boxes for them, or get them to school on time.

And I'm terrified that this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life.