May 4, 2011

Burnt Out

It is always too early...
Maybe it's the fact that I take my last final for the semester in three hours.

Maybe it's that I had a very unhealthy dinner last night.

Maybe it's that with my school-blinders off, I can suddenly see/remember all the stuff I've let slip in the past eight months, and am realizing that cleaning my house might actually require a haz-mat team.

Maybe it's having a one-sided fight and losing a dear friend.

I don't know.  Whatever it is, I'm completely exhausted.  On a normal day, I'd be doing the housework, the dishes and the laundry, sweeping the floors and putting away toys while my children joyfully undo all of my work behind me.  But not today.

Today I am completely toast.

I've been up for more than four hours, and I haven't stopped yawning.  And I haven't done anything.  I lay on the couch and snuggled my kids in turns while they brought me books and put buckets on their heads.  With the TV on the whole time.

And then I put them in their high chairs and gave them crayons to play with for about twenty minutes so I could make myself a cup of hot tea and drink it.  It didn't help much.

The sun is shining through the windows, lighting up the piles of papers on the dining room table, illuminating the dust bunnies under my desk, igniting that smell that can only mean it's been way too long since you've cleaned the cat box.

I need a vacation.  But vacations are hard to come by these days.  The girls, while charming and sweet and mild tempered, are still toddlers requiring attention amounting to constant vigilance.  M still works absurd hours, and because he's the biggest freakin' rock star crazy person in the world, he's getting no break.  He's going straight from finals into a four week long class of doom.

I love my children.  I love being a mommy.  I love my husband, and I love our life (for the most part).  I love our home, regardless of the age of the crumbs behind the cat tree.

But it's hard.  Hard and exhausting.  And I am exhausted.

I am utterly, completely, and existentially exhausted.


  1. :( I'm sorry. I know the feeling. Good luck on the final! My man and I just took a mini vaca a few weekends ago without the kids. It was bliss. It was the first time we have ever been without our kids.


  2. I so hear you. having one of those days myself.

    And the worst part of it - because you know it is so incredibly unfair to everyone sharing space with you -- is that I am just so darn irritable. at. everything. Which tells me, mama - you need a break. A REAL break - not go on to the grocery story, I'll watch the kids. Or go for a walk - but not too long - I have to get ready for work soon. No matter how hard I try for that elusive "me" time -- there will always be that never-ending to do list calling to me. It's just there waiting for me to return.
    And maybe if I could get away long enough to actually get would cease feeling like such a duty, or burden; and more like want I truly wish it to be: loving service to the family I have been blessed with.
    Here's to hoping both of us get that much needed R & R soon.



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