March 5, 2013

Thus Ends this Upwards Success Spiral

Evenings with my ladies
My name is Lea, and I am totally friggin' bipolar.

I don't have an official diagnosis. I don't need one. I've seen myself in the mirror at least dozens of times.

Sometimes, I get depressed. I feel sad for no reason, and then I make it worse. Sometimes, on purpose. I binge on junk food, become less than friendly to my loved ones, neglect showers. Then I'm sad that I feel and look like crap, and the cycle repeats.

But fortunately for me, I get both sides of that particular spectrum. Once in a while, I jump out of my downward sadness spiral, and find myself spinning through my upward success spiral.

RH and Becoming SuperMommy
I don't know why this is, precisely, but I know that when something good happens, I immediately have the impulse to run with whatever streak I might have hit.

Had a good dream? I guess I'll eat a healthy breakfast. Got a job interview? Skip the Walking Dead, I'll catch up on the office while putting away my laundry.

And so on.

Next thing you know, I've actually exercised and bathed and started dinner.

And then the next day, and so on, and so on...

Until that one day... and suddenly, I'm skipping breakfast and crawling back into bed. The downward spiral of misery begins again.

I'm happy to say that right now I'm working on the positive side of the spiral. But it can't last forever.

Sometimes I worry about how my ups and downs effect my kids. What kind of lessons I'm teaching them by giving them two different versions of myself. Happy, involved, positive mommy... and angry, sad, tired mommy. Do they gage me for which side of my spirals I'm on before coming in to give me a hug? Will they learn to wait to introduce boyfriends, to ask for favors, until they know which side of spiral is going to serve them best?

Me and SI lighting the Channukah candles
Will downward spiral mommy be less cautious about letting them to to parties with strangers? Will upwards spiral mommy be nicer about new boyfriends? Are these the things that they'll need to know as they grow up to cope with me as their mother?

I want to be consistent. I want to know that my children can trust me, that they're not afraid of downward mommy when they need upwards mommy... that upwards mommy is there when they need her.

Or better yet, a mommy who isn't on her way up or down.

I want to be that mommy.


  1. I have these down spirals more than I like to have in a month. I seem to fight them because I hate being sad, but sometimes it just takes over. Like some one else has jumped into my body. I find the music helps me get through the ruff times.

  2. What you have described sounds to me like the human condition. I suspect that your children, like mine and most everyone else's, will know that you are human and have moods. When it is convenient to do so, they will wait until you are in a good mood to ask for favors, just as you must do with anyone in your life on a day-to-day basis.

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    2. Agreed. I mean, my mom was totally crazy growing up, and I make sure to only respond to her posts when she is on vacation in foreign countries ;)

    3. Seems to me it was one of your other parents who was actually *diagnosed* bipolar. I can't believe you forgot that -- I guess it's so unimportant to you that I guess I might as well go kill myself. Or maybe go on a coke binge.

  3. I am diagnosed bipolar, and i just officially blogged and came out about it. my heart goes out to you <3 new follower - Ashley

  4. :) I think we all have those moments where we realize that we are crazy out of control with our "downs". My daughter starts to get more emotional a week before I begin to PMS (my extreme time of downward spirals). Here's hoping that you don't need a diagnosis, just more time to "recharge". :)

  5. We all have our different moods. ;)

  6. I sure understand what it's like to be up and down and worry about how that affects my son. No matter what, you are being a good mommy, and it's okay to be a human!



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