October 12, 2013

My Criminal Record

Week two of Blogger Idol is over! In case you missed it, here was my post.

Suspect in Custody as Firefighters Battle Target Fire

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4:29pm, October 8: A police spokesman addressed reporters today outside the smoldering ruins of the Target on Roosevelt and Clark in Chicago's South Loop.
"Rumors that this was an act of terror are untrue. Yes, this is the anniversary of the Great Chicago Fire, and we are only half a mile from the site of that fire. But these events are unrelated. This appears to be an isolated incident- a single criminal working alone."
Officer Ben Platt announced that a suspect was in custody, and had written a confession. "She [the suspect] was seen standing in the toy section with three little girls, pointing to a display of Disney Princess baby dolls, shouting 'No!' at the top of her lungs."

The suspect reportedly ignited the toys while shrieking about the "Industrial Princess complex," and danced through the store singing "Colors of the Wind" as patrons fled the scene. Officer Platt read from her confession.

"Pink pink pink pink pink pink pink. Are you tired of it yet? Because I sure as Hell am."

The suspect has been involved
in previous acts of mayhem
The blaze spread from the toy section through the bedding aisles, before igniting the Halloween decorations that ran the length of the ceiling.

"Those polyester cobwebs went up like napalm," said Captain Mark Shelley, of the Chicago Fire Department. "And once the cobwebs were burning, there was no stopping the building from going down. We managed to get the fire under control before it could spread across the train yard."

Both Amtrak and Metra traffic has been shut down since the incident, with all trains halted until firetrucks can be evacuated from the scene.

The arsonist, a Hyde Park mom, writer, and notorious attendee of social and political rallies, was already on Target's security radar.

"We knew who she was," said store manager, Shaneesha Wells. "We have pictures of her from last Easter, after she caused such a scene over in the holiday seasonal aisle. She was frightening people. But we never expected this."

Wells shook her head as she surveyed the smoking pit where a dozen checkout counters once stood. "Some people just take things too seriously."

Wells reminds South Loop Target customers that the Loop Target is still open, one mile north on State Street.

"And we've got some great new toys coming in just in time for Christmas- Disney Princess aprons and chef's hats! Isn't that adorable?"

A friend of the suspect spoke on her behalf. "She's passionate. She's always working on some project, writing about feminism in the third world, you know. Something. But she gets confused, and then when her blood sugar crashes, well, things can get a little nutty. She probably skipped breakfast."

In her confession the suspect explains her motivations. "It's bad enough you can't go into Target without buying a dozen things you didn't want or need. But even with all that junk, the little pails and sunglasses and extension cord organizers and whatnot, the only things to choose from for little kids are pink Princesses and Dora, or blue trucks and tools. And I'm sick to death of it. Why can't my daughter have a freaking dinosaur? Why can't a little boy get a Brave t-shirt? Seriously."

The suspect is known for feminist activism
"I refuse to submit to this pink and blue tyranny any longer. We are the masters of our own destiny. In the end, fire is the only equalizer, cleansing us all as it burns the gender binary to nothing."

A witness reported seeing the suspect as she was dragged to a police car.

"She was crazy," he said. "She kept on yelling at me- Society is brainwashing you! Rape Culture begins with Cinderella!" He shook his head. "It was creepy. I always thought Cinderella was about singing mice."

The suspect threatened to move to Iceland, saying, "I bet Bjork's daughter can wear whatever color she wants!"

Bjork could not be reached for comment.

1 comment:

  1. buah hahahaha! You're not the first to want to do that in a super-store. I just wrote an email to my family pleading with them that my house will, and I repeat, WILL remain a princess-free zone.



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